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Frequently Asked Questions
Q:
Is there anyone who should never use BoneStamp®?
A:
Well, you want to remember that when you send something with a BoneStamp® on it, your aren't sending
a bouquet of flowers. If you don't think you can survive a five minute fist fight,
you definitely should keep your BoneStamp® in your pocket.
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Q:
Is there any group that can use
BoneStamp® without fear.
I
A: Yes.
People who are hell-bent on the path to bottoming-out have nothing to fear from use
of the BoneStamp®.
When you are committed to going all the way down, the consequences of even the most
public use of the BoneStamp® will pose but a grain of sand on your beach of accrued penance. This is
especially true for first timers on a free fall to rock bottom. First timers are always
excused for everything, at least in North America. All you generally have to do is
look really sorry, get into rehab, and start going to church regularly. Chances
are, you won't even be asked to promise not to do it again: Dude (as the young
people say), It really is a free fall. We here at
BoneStamp® hope you won't
squander that opportunity by failing to rack up bigger regrets than a
BoneStamp® carelessly imprinted
here or there. Once you have arrived at the bottom, it becomes less clear. Some would say,
"F___ it, how do your know somebody isn’t on the way to excavate?" I say,
"Use your judgment."
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Q:
As
a doctor, don't you find BoneStamp® to be puerile and unprofessional?
A:
Puerile,
certainly; that's why it's so much fun to use. Unprofessional, absolutely not; I’m not
advocating the use of BoneStamp® for anything but self-enlightenment and emotional catharsis in the privacy
of your own mind. When you flip the BoneStamp® to somebody, you know you are pissed. The better it feels when you do it,
the angrier you know really are. It's great, you can just BoneStamp® away to your heart's
delight. Just because you flipped it on to a document (electronic or otherwise) doesn't
mean you have to send the document when you are finished stamping it. It is the act
of getting all-BoneStamped-out that allows you to quit rehearsing what you would like to
write so you can get on with the business of deciding what you are going to write. Applied
social scientists call this process of finishing one thing so you can go on to another
"closing the gestalt.". Obviously, a pending communication that still sports a
BoneStamp® is a testimonial to the
fact your gestalt (that produced the anger) is still gaping wide open and it suggests it
would be premature to post such a communication. Of course, Kurt Cobain, a person
ever so much more successful than I (despite the fact he lived many year less), would say,
"Who gives a F___ what they say about you. If they don't like it, F___
'em."
Q:
What
else is the BoneStamp®
good for?
A: If
your use of the BoneStamp®
goes unchallenged, it is empirical evidence that you can get away with almost anything.
On the other hand, should someone take issue with your use of the BoneStamp®, it makes great physical
evidence to document of how out of control you are and to justify taking actions against
you. Should you be foolish and impulsive enough to send the BoneStamp® in anger to someone who
complains, you can be absolutely certain you have contributed the prima of prima facie
evidence that will be used against you on your day of reckoning. Should your
signature appear on any serious document accompanied by the BoneStamp® (virtual or
otherwise), unless you are one powerful dude, you don’t stand a chance. Your goose
is cooked. You’ll be lucky if they even let you shoot yourself in your other foot.
Of course, in response to the same question, James Dean (yet another man more famous and
wealthy than I) would have said, "It’s good for telling people who think they have
the right to get in your face to go F___ themselves."
If you are considering buying a BoneStamp®
as a gift for
someone you love, you are to be congratulated for your sensitivity to a human condition
that most people find intellectually unfathomable.
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Q:
Who needs the BoneStamp® the most? |
| A:
No question about it, anyone who has a problem with any aspect of
authority. Whether your problem stems from not having enough power or having way too
much, BoneStamp® is for you. This broad category of happy prospective
owners includes all those below. |
Too
Much Authority
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Not Enough
Authority
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Resent
All Authority
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quality control
inspectors
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students
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hackers
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bureaucrats
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convicts
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heretics
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salesmen
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house painters
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anarchists
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IS managers
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parents of adults
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self-employed
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college professors
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graduate students
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grad students &
college professors
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payroll clerks
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working stiffs
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U.S. Post Office
employees
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Q: Can you trace the historical roots of the "bone" (or
"bird" or "finger gesture)?
A:
The
first documented use of the bone was by Roman Soldiers during the Empire. It was a gesture
the front line soldiers used to psych them up and to frighten their opposition. The raised
second finger (--the bone finger—the thumb doesn’t get a number) was some sort
of remonstration meaning, "I can take you," or just, "F___
you." In truth it was a salute more from the passionate heart than the logical
mind, especially when you study the sentence structure. It is likely the future tense was
assumed so that the meaning was more along the lines of "I am going to F___ you with
my finger." Probably, "F___" was applied as a masculine euphemism for the
less tasteful deed that was required by male anatomy for a F___ing; that is, "I will
ream your anus with my finger." History reveals that at that time, the spoils of war
did include a fair amount of the victors buggering the vanquished after the battle. Thus,
the threat implied by giving the finger was certainly not idle nor even excessive. In
fact, digital dilatation might have been the most the surviving losers could hope for.
The bone or finger gesture appears again among the Celtic
people of Western Europe including those who migrated to the British Isles. Historians
have again found the gesture being used by foot soldiers facing their enemy at close
quarters. For the Celts, it seems more likely the meaning was an uninhibited, "Up
your anus," or with the subject and full predicate "I’ll will stick my finger
up your anus." About this same time, we find the emergence of kilts and expressions
of "mooning" or "browning out" on the battlefield. It is not a large
leap to infer that bending over and exposing your ass to the enemy was a reciprocal taunt
in response to the bone: Thus, the threat, "Get ready to have this finger stuck up
your anus," was answered by "Take a good look at my anus, you won’t find your
finger here."
Q:
Goodness, that sounds like a lot of homosexual banter. Are you
suggesting that flipping the bone has gay origins?
A: I
suppose it depends a lot on the tone of voice and inflection in the soldier’s voices
when they gave the gesture. On the other hand, whenever you have a power differential, you
have a struggle. The more physical those expressions become, the more difficult it is to
discern where the infliction of physical violence ends and sex begins. Here, gender status
may be less important for purposes of sexual gratification than power status. A fact
explored and documented thoroughly by the Marquis de Sade. Still your question is a good
one, and forces us to ask, "Is corn-holing another man less gay when the man is your
enemy and you have just conquered him on the field of battle than it is in a public
bathroom with a stranger?" I will leave that for the philosophers and military
historians to resolve. For now, why don’t we say that the gesture appears to evolved
into more an androgynous curse rather than heterosexual or homosexual invitation to
intimacy. Thus, today’s meaning is closer to "I violate your dignity with my will
and at my will." Alternatively, a contemporary interpretation might be "I
disrespect you intellectually and despise you personally." More reminiscent of
Hemmingway’s characters’ cursing, "I obscenity in the milk of your
mother," but expressed more concisely as "I can take you" or
"F___ You." I hope my explanation clears it up for you.
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